Theme
The thread: A theorem, not a limitation
No map is faithful, and this is not a shortcoming awaiting a cleverer cartographer. Gaussian curvature is intrinsic, a sphere has some and a plane has none, and that settles it.
The impossibility
No map is faithful
Not "no map yet", and not "no map at page size". Gaussian curvature can be computed from inside a surface, a sphere has some and a plane has none, and that closes the question permanently.
The impossibilityWhat can be unrolled
A cylinder is obviously curved and is intrinsically flat, so it lays out on a table with nothing stretched. A sphere is not. The distinction is exactly zero Gaussian curvature, and it is why paper tubes exist and paper globes do not.
The impossibilityThe trade-off is two lines
Conformal means the two principal scales are equal. Equal-area means their product is one. Both at once forces both to one, which is an isometry, which the curvature forbids. That is the entire argument.